It’s raining. My room is chilly. Emiliana Torrini is on Spotify. I have a candle lit, and am drinking hot tea. It’s feeling particularly moody right now in my empty classroom.
As everyday goes by, I find it easier to accept that I am being laid off, and I become more comfortable with the idea of moving on to a different placement. I gather more strength as time passess and look forward to truly shining somewhere else. But what doesn’t get easier is thinking about saying goodbye to my students and colleagues. Truth is, I probably will never see them again, and it sucks. With colleagues we’ll say, “Let’s stay in touch. Meet up for dinner soon. Catch up over the summer.” But that’s never worked before, and probably won’t come to fruition. Empty promises. And it’s not like we ever really got together outside of school in the past, so I would not be surprised to find my inbox void of requests to meet up. I understand, and am okay with that. I’m pretty socially awkward anyway….
But it’s with the thought of leaving my students that I find myself welling in the tear ducts the most. I feel like I am letting them down, but at no fault of my own. I tried so hard to keep my job- to make myself invaluable to the school, and to show everyone how much I care about the community…but priorities are different than I assumed, so I must leave them.
I stutter when I try to talk to them about what they will do next year. I made promises of projects with them, and built up hopes of iPads and technology in the art room. I gave them false excitement, only I did not know that at the time. I don’t even know that I will get to say goodbye to each one of them. So as everyday goes by, I think that is one day less with my students, and it’s getting closer to the end.
It sucks to be so committed to something, only to get dumped.
It’s not you- it’s me.